Monday, July 26, 2010

Butterfingers and Clumsy Pants

I've been going through my internal dialogue. It's boring stuff, I know, but sometimes I feel like I should probably try listening to myself. What surprised me is the realization that I think I'm clumsy. This wouldn't be noteworthy except that I didn't realize I thought that.

Stay with me here.

See, I talk to myself a lot. Sometimes I say nice things like, "Pretty eyeshadow! Sparkly!" and sometimes I say things like, "Should've worked out yesterday cuz you look pretty dang fat today." Those are not nice things. I mean, would I say that to someone else? Hell no. So why do I say it to me?

But as I was chattering away with myself, I realized that I'm constantly worried about being clumsy or awkward. Like if I slam the door too loud on the bathroom stall, suddenly I see myself as a bull in a china shop. Part of that goes back to being tall as a kid. I always felt like I stood out a bit, and I never WANTED to stand out at all. Ever. For anything. I wanted badly to go unnoticed as much as possible and have always felt painfully awkward if someone noticed me for anything, good or bad. So being tall = being noticed = the possibility of being ridiculed for doing something wrong or gracelessly.

At this point you're all wondering what the point is, which just makes me want to avoid the point some more to screw with you, but the point is that we should be nice to ourselves. We should listen to ourselves and try and filter out all those bad things - especially the ones that are JUST NOT TRUE because we've all got enough stress in our lives without making up brand new stress inside our own heads.

Now we see if I can take my own advice.
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